My Un-Hosery Tendencies

By Jay Menard

Canada Day’s fast approaching and, like many Canucks, I’m looking forward to a celebration of living in the world’s greatest country.

Like most good Canadians, I can laugh at — and often embrace — certain cultural stereotypes. But perhaps my Hoser Designation will be called into question as there are certain Canadian sacred cows that I just can’t worship..

I am a proud Canadian, but…

  • I do not find Martin Short funny. To me, every single character is just a different shade of Ed Grimley;
  • I kind of prefer fake, Mrs. Butterworth-style ‘syrup’ to the authentic maple syrup. I don’t do sweet (although I do love a trip to the ol’ cabane à sucre);
  • I think Tim Hortons is overrated. I am not addicted to Tim Hortons’ coffee. I drink my coffee strong and black (as opposed to the standard Canadian double-double) and Tim’s is just bitter. Now, I’m by no means a caffeine snob and I will occasionally partake, but I don’t think it’s the nectar of the gods;
  • I think the Poutine Revolution is Sacrilegious. Fries, cheese curds, dark gravy. That’s it. No smoked meat thrown on top; don’t put it on a pizza; stop adding gourmet ingredients. I guess I’m a Poutine Purist;
  • I avoid the spoils of the Canadian lakes and oceans. To be fair, it’s because I’m deathly allergic. My patriotism stops just short of anaphylaxis;
  • I prefer M&Ms to Smarties. Though, again just to be fair, I’ll take a bag of chips over chocolate 100 times out of 100;
  • The Hockey Song. Don’t care for it. Never bought into the whole Stompin’ Tom thing (will all due respect to the deceased). In fact, I have an aversion to most music played in hockey games (especially that damnable Cotton-Eye Joe);
  • I don’t think Canadian bilingualism should be a point of pride. Now, let me clarify, I’m proud to be bilingual and I think every Canadian should speak both French and English. But for all of those people who stand up and say we’re ‘better’ because we’re bilingual, please try to conduct business in French at any restaurant east of Cornwall (or, conversely, try to order a meal in English in, say, Chibougamau.) The high school French kids learn is kind of sad;
  • I don’t like Don Cherry. Here’s why. And here
  • I don’t get the appeal of Rush. Or the Tragically Hip. Or Celine Dion (to be fair, I like her better in French than English), or the Barenaked Ladies. Sloan, on the other hand, is amazing.

So there you have it. Of course, to me the greatest thing about being Canadian is that we respect each other’s differences, are willing to listen to opposing views, and come to a consensus (well, most of us, at least.)

And despite my desire to slaughter these 10 Canadian sacred cows, I will always stand on guard for the Great White North.

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