By Jason Menard,

Some may believe there are no absolutes in life – that everything is a shade of grey. Well, that’s absolutely wrong. There are a few things that are absolutely not true: there are no African princes just itching to give you millions for the right to borrow your bank account; there are no nubile young Russian women who just happened upon your Facebook page and think that your personality is so dynamic that they must talk with you.

And any breast exam that occurs in a bar is not on the up and up.

A recent report explained that at least two women in Idaho were convinced by another woman to allow her to perform breast exams. In a nightclub.

Now, it’s been a while since I’ve frequented bars, but although I saw my fair share of groping back in the day, I’m straining my memory to remember any boob grabs that were clinical in nature. Maybe I was just hanging out in the wrong bars, but I don’t think that’s the case.

The report continues on to explain that the victims said that they believed the alleged perpetrator was legit because of her medical knowledge. Forget the complete and utter lack of evidence of an actual degree – after all, nightclubs generally don’t have medical offices on site, much less medical office walls upon which you could hang a sheepskin. No, this smooth-talking alleged groper was able to convey her medical qualifications likely through her ability to spend a few hours on the Internet.

Listen, I used to be a medical writer. I didn’t go to med school, but I was smart enough to be able to identify articles of interest and present them to the community. I know how easy it can be to fake it, but I also wasn’t out there diagnosing diseases based upon those qualifications.

Sure, the ruse went a little further – the alleged perpetrator would seem to be quite familiar with the co-relation of female anatomy and medical procedures, as the local authorities have identified her as transgendered and a prior incarceration record listed her as male-to-female. In addition, the perpetrator allegedly bolstered her reputation by giving out the number of an actual plastic surgeon in Boise.

But that number, likely, would have been given out after the fact!

This is not to pile on the victims because what they went through was a complete and utter violation of their bodies. And I certainly don’t want to suggest that the victims of sexual assault are in any way responsible for the reprehensible crimes that are perpetrated against them.

However, a little common sense may have caused this situation to be avoided altogether.

You can’t completely protect yourself from crime. There are people out there who are bound and determined to rob, rape, assault, and kill. There are people out there looking for cars or homes to break into. There are bad people out there – and they don’t wear signs displaying their intentions.

There are those who will assault people with whom they are associated, whether as a friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or even a spouse. Unfortunately, there seems to be little one can do to prevent those crimes. But there are things you can do to minimize the likelihood of you being randomly targeted.

I’m 6’0 and around 200 pounds. I’m not huge, but I’m not frail either. I would like to think that I’m not the ideal target for an attacker, but that doesn’t mean I walk the streets oblivious to the dangers. There are places I’ll stay away from after dark, there are people I’ll make an effort to avoid if I see them ahead of me on the street, and I take precautions for my family. I lock the doors at night, I don’t leave valuables in my car (which is usually in the garage), and I don’t post my whereabouts on Facebook when I’m away from home.

You know what else I don’t do? I don’t accept prostate exams, hernia checks, or testicular screenings in any place where I don’t have to swipe my provincial health card. Or any place that distributes alcohol other than isopropyl. Or any place that features a pulsing techno backbeat and strobe lights.

I hope I’ve taught – and continue to teach – my children well. Without wanting them to live in fear, I want them to be aware of their surroundings. Bad things can and do happen. The best we can do in life is maximize our chances of avoiding them, without completely minimizing our ability to enjoy life.

I’ve told them to travel in groups, don’t flash around money and valuables, know where the Block Parents are, don’t be separated from your friends by someone, and the like.

I just never thought I’d have to add don’t accept any free medical exams on the dance floor to that list.