By Jason Menard,

It’s time to make Anne Murray pay.

For too long, the Doyenne of Canadian chanteuses has gotten off scot-free for her heinous crimes. For too long, our radio airwaves have turned a deaf ear to her wicked ways. For too long, our innocent children have been led astray by her sweet, soothing voice into untold levels of depravity.

I’m calling for a comprehensive and immediate ban on the song Snowbird from the Canadian airwaves!

Oh, sure. Murray seems like a sweet lady. And, yes, she’s as Canadian as maple syrup and political patronage appointments. But have you actually listened to Snowbird? I mean, really listened to it?

“Spread your tiny wings and fly away/And take the snow back with you/Where it came from on that day…”

I don’t know about you, but that reeks of animal cruelty. “Spread your tiny wings?” So she’s evicting a poor, likely underage bird, from its home. Forcing it to leave and traverse the harsh Canadian landscape, before it’s come of age and prepared for such an arduous flight.

“And take the snow back with you…?” Not only is she compelling this tiny bird to leave, but she’s also burdening it with thousands of kilograms of snow. I’ve never seen a snowbird, myself, but even if it’s a huge bird, you’d think it could only carry a few ounces of snow at the best of times. What’s it going to do with a dumping like we received back in December? Cruel and unusual punishment.

Heck, even if we’re talking about seniors making their way to Ft. Lauterdale, there’s only so much snow you can pack – you have to leave room for the sans-a-belt pants, eh?

And then, to make matters worse, she states that “If [she] could, you know that [she] would fly-aye-aye-aye-aye away with you.” Riding on the back of a bird? One that’s already carrying way too much snow? Absolutely, unquestionably cruel.

Yet we celebrate this song as a Canadian classic? How many of our children have been turned on to animal cruelty thanks to Murray’s dulcet tones? Forget playing the song backwards to find the hidden meanings – the Satanic undertones are right there in the lyrics. If only I could find the guy who wrote that Alouette song…

Who’s with me? It’s time to make a formal complaint to the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council to remove this corrupting filth from the airwaves! Actually, I don’t need you. As we’ve seen with the recent Dire Straits’ ruling, it only takes one complaint to neuter a song. Of course, I’m not from Newfoundland, but I should still be OK, don’t you think?

And once I’m done there, I’m going right after Mr. Gordon Lightfoot himself. After all, in the Canadian Railroad Trilogy he used the term “navvies.” Who cares if the context is correct. Just like with The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, it’s time to remove historical context from our art and make everything fit today’s politically correct climate. And after that, I’m going after Céline Dion.

I haven’t figured out why, yet. But I’ll find something. That Ziggy song’s about a gay guy, so that’s got to offend someone, right? After all, if a 25-year-old song lyric taken straight from an overheard conversation that works in context of the song it inspired can be subject to censorship, I’m sure finding something wrong in a song about a woman’s unrequited love for her gay friend’s got to be like shooting fish in barrel.

You may feel this is a little extreme, but I assure you that I’m 100 per cent against animal cruelty, severe labour conditions that lead to death, and… well, Céline Dion. We must stand up for our personal standards and apply them across the board! It’s the new Canadian way.

After all, what other choices do we have? If I was offended by a song on the radio, it’s not like I could simply change the channel, is it? And I am constitutionally compelled to watch any and all TV shows that contain content that I find offensive, right? I thought so.

Freedom of choice is just so dangerous. Having the freedom to choose for others? That’s the Canadian way.